The fork
It's the craze that's sweeping the nation! Literally billions of people are discovering that using your fingers is unhygienic and can lead to severe disability in later life! Buy your loved one a fork this Christmas, and we'll even throw in a free handle! New for 2011 - the spoon! Sick of forming a rudimentary container from papier mache and watching it dissolve in seconds on contact with your cornflakes or soup? Buy a spoon!
No. 9
The asteroid
People were bored. They grew weary of X-factor, I'm a Celebrity and Strictly Come Dancing. They yearned for a better life. And what better way than to name a dreary unexciting rock hundreds of millions of miles away after themselves! Buy your loved one the deeds to a real asteroid that will never be closer that 300 million miles to themselves!
No. 8
Concrete
Now, it's a controversial choice. But what has concrete ever done to let you down? Exactly. Concrete will never suffer a crash, run out of memory, be incompatible with the latest software or corrupt a hard drive. Get your 8 inch cube of concrete now, and lovingly consult it on all your future life decisions. Concrete. You know it makes sense.
No. 7
Commodore 64 Games Console
Some people are saying that I'm only rating the Commodore 64 Games Console as a must-have gadget out of deference to my dearly-departed Nan who bought me and my brother this unsupported shitbox of a gadget in 1990. To them I say, download Fiendish Freddy's Big Top Of Fun, International Soccer, Klax and Flimbo's Quest. And then say that! I dare thee! It's probably worth 10 million quid now as we were the only cunts who had one in the Northern Hemisphere.
No. 6
Plutonium
Be the envy of your friends, with this powdery-white metal. The envy may wear off when your teeth and gums dissolve, your hair falls out and you shit your lungs out due to the effects of massive acute radiation poisoning. But fuck it, what has 2011 ever done for you? It'll probably be the year that Jordan takes control of television newscasting, the coalition government make it legal for Lords to have first dibs on virgin brides, and the price of petrol reaches one kidney per gallon. Wouldn't you rather have a conversation with your friends about how you're the only one in the county with 1kg of deathly actinide on your mantelpiece?
No. 5
The Right Angled Penis
It's a penis. But at a right angle. Where in recorded history has a human sexual organ been both a symbol of fertility and an aid to building perfectly level walls? Exactly. It's no wonder that Which? are saying that 2011 is the year of the Right Angled Penis.
No. 4
Peter Crouch
With the advent of human cloning, came the demand of housewives everywhere to have a lanky, clumsy, fairly affable centre forward doing the hoovering. Better still, the latest generation of Crouch Clones no longer have the inconvenient trait of independent thought! Say goodbye to all your light bulb changing dilemnas with an endlessly interesting 6ft 7in Crouch Clone.
No.3
A Lost Tribe
Ever wanted to have an Amazonian tribe wearing T-shirts with strangely contemporary cultural references worship the ground you walk on? This is your chance. All you have to do is pay a logging firm £10k to intimidate a beautiful people with poetry in their souls into doing your bidding.
No. 2
Robert Mugabe
Having retired from butchering opponents and sequestering funds into several hidden bank accounts, a Mugabe could be yours for a reasonable sum. Having trouble at home? Children ill-disciplined? Wife unresponsive? Simply deploy the Mugabe (and optional thug gang accessory) and you'll have the most compliant family in recorded history.
No. 1
Quasar
No, not the ill-conceived wankathon that involves running round a poorly lit maze pointing a laser gun at barely seen juveniles and constantly moaning "I hit you! I hit you!", but a massive, poorly-understood object that is flying quickly the fuck away from you at close to the speed of light. I like quasars, I always have. Pulsars come a close second, but for sheer, what-the-fuckery value, quasars are the must have Christmas gadget of the year 2010.
God rest ye merry gentlemen. And so on.
Have a splendiferous 2011. All the way up to 2078.
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