While not necessarily completely compliant with reversing time, perhaps the next generation of film franchise reboots will provide originality by taking existing plots and completely reversing them. Or some shit like that. With more CGI explosions and better merchandising. And some kind of deal with Burger King involving plastic toys that really capture the spirit of the films themselves.
Titanic
A brave captain takes the heroic, last-ditch decision to repair the largest passenger liner in the world by twatting into a massive iceberg. The boat, carrying passengers returning from America to go back to their old lives, magically sucks the bloated, drowned and frozen corpses of a thousand victims from the icy grip of the North Atlantic and returns them to life.
A handsome young scamp called Jack immediately regrets his decision to engage in carnal affairs with a stuck-up young aristocrat and instantly breaks up with her.
He also spends half an hour erasing a perfectly acceptable pencil portrait of the naked trollope.
Star Wars : Retreat of the Jedi
Darth Vader begins the film by using his magic hands to suck the dead Emperor from the Death Star's reactor. Then, after welding his father's arm back on with his lightsaber, Luke Skywalker makes a heroic retreat, while bringing back to life scores of stormtroopers.
Meanwhile, his friends assemble the largest repair armada in Galactic History in a bid to completely and utterly repair the Imperial Fleet. Sadly, the most annoying race in Star Wars history (Ewoks) are also given urgent medical attention, and return to Endor to shout Beech-a-fucking-wawa at each other.
Han Solo is frozen right at the end of the film.
The Mighty Ducks
Emilio Estevez reduces a highly trained team of young hockey stars to inept, incompetent and incapable buffoons, eventually leading them to embark on an unceasing losing streak. The utter bastard.
The Incredible Hulk
A man, who's boiling vicious anger can only be placated by firing hundreds of thousands of missiles at him, runs towards armies.
Armageddon
A team of miners use a nuclear device to fuse a pile of debris that was heading away from Earth into a single asteroid. They then return to Earth. No-one knows why they bothered. Forwards or backwards, in actual fact.
Highlander
A lonely man attempts to resurrect his friends by welding their heads back to their bodies with his magic sword.
I'm running out of ideas now.
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Fight Club
A revolutionary schizophrenic goes about repaying his debt to society by rebuilding the HQs of the various financial institutes he had previously destroyed.
Infused with a new sense of community spirit, he disbands his gang of renegade colleagues, stops getting into nasty quarrels and gets himself a very fine white-collar job far removed from his destructive ways of old.
Definitely one for the whole family to enjoy.
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