After years of debating, politicking, smearing, canvassing, spinning and evading, it finally all becomes clear that the critical issue facing our nation, is how well will our political leaders handle eating awkward food. I suggest next time, instead of a leaders' debate, we simply have the prospective parties' leaders eating a selection of difficult food as chosen by the public.
Picture the scene, glamorous colourful studio, seven podiums, David Dimbleby facilitating.
David Dimbleby: Our first selection is from Sophie of Hendon, Essex.
Sophie: Given the rise in foodbanks, can the panel please explain how they would eat a massively overloaded doner kebab with too much garlic and chilli sauce?
David Dimbleby: Thank you Sophie. Mr Cameron - can you please tackle this first?
David Cameron: Well, Sophie, I think what it's fair to say, is that *chomp*, mmffff mfff ffflm ffmf ,*chomp* is mmf num num oh fuck that's hot....oh I've got it all down my blazer.
David Dimbleby: Thank you Mr Cameron. Now, Derek of Cirencester, you have a question?
Derek: Yes...there's been a lot said about the cost of the Trident programme, but none of the leaders have mentioned the difficulty of eating a burger that's too slippy and is in an inadequate and understrength bun accompanied by lubricated lettuce.
David Dimbleby: Nicola Sturgeon - how will you deal with this?
Nicola Sturgeon: Thanks for your question Derek. For me, Trident is a red line. As is this stupid fucking bun that's about half the size of the greasiest beef patty I've ever had the misfortune to handle. Vote SNP and no more will you be left with a tiny fragment of bread trying to sandwich a gristly fetid chunk of organic matter that may have once been part of a cow. Has anyone got a fucking napkin? For fuck's sake.
David Dimbleby: Now, I believe we have a question from Paul. Yes, Paul.
Paul: Since the last government came to power, a record number of jobs have been created. But most of them have been low paid, low-skilled jobs. How will the panel ensure that when they eat a Flake they don't end up with millions of welded fragments of chocolate all over their expensive black trousers?
David Dimbleby: Nigel Farage?
Nigel Farage: Well, David, that's a simple question and a simple answer. The fact is, that since we opened our borders to the EU, the quality of Cadbury's Flake has severely deteriorated. If we are to reach the dream of *chomp* not soiling ourselves with brittle fat-laden chocolate particles like I've just fucking done right now, we need to ensure that the UK can stand on it's own two feet, have a points-based immigration system that means we only invite people into our country who can eat a Flake without looking like they've been blasted with a small diarroeah gun.
