Cocoon
Black comedy in which a group of surprisingly spritely pensioners slowly lose their energy after mysterious hairy eggs suddenly appear in their swimming pool. Gradually, as debilitating arthritis and senility set in, a group of aliens suddenly remove the eggs and bugger off, leaving our protagonists in a sorry state.
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
A silent, dignified, tall Indian delivers a water cooler to a mental asylum via a window, before rescuing a lobotomised man in the midst of being suffocated to death by a pillow. The rescued man, Randle McMurphy, while repairing his relationship with Nurse Ratched, then annoys his fellow inmates so much that they all retreat back into their shells, before Randle waltzes out, leaving them none the wiser. The Indian never speaks again.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
A complete freak ages normally, while all around him age backwards.
Moses
Lavishly produced, and with a cast of thousands, this famous story receives a new twist as Moses returns the troublesome Israelites back to the Egyptians. Along the way, he takes tablets of stone and places them on a mountain-top, extinguishes a burning bush and rescues thousands of Egyptians from the clutches of the Red Sea, before finally curing Egypt of a variety of diseases and restoring all of their first-borns to life. Sails off in a basket for a fitting and emotional finale.
A true Egyptian hero. Not very popular in Israel though.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Monday, June 08, 2009
Watching Films Backwards
While not necessarily completely compliant with reversing time, perhaps the next generation of film franchise reboots will provide originality by taking existing plots and completely reversing them. Or some shit like that. With more CGI explosions and better merchandising. And some kind of deal with Burger King involving plastic toys that really capture the spirit of the films themselves.
Titanic
A brave captain takes the heroic, last-ditch decision to repair the largest passenger liner in the world by twatting into a massive iceberg. The boat, carrying passengers returning from America to go back to their old lives, magically sucks the bloated, drowned and frozen corpses of a thousand victims from the icy grip of the North Atlantic and returns them to life.
A handsome young scamp called Jack immediately regrets his decision to engage in carnal affairs with a stuck-up young aristocrat and instantly breaks up with her.
He also spends half an hour erasing a perfectly acceptable pencil portrait of the naked trollope.
Star Wars : Retreat of the Jedi
Darth Vader begins the film by using his magic hands to suck the dead Emperor from the Death Star's reactor. Then, after welding his father's arm back on with his lightsaber, Luke Skywalker makes a heroic retreat, while bringing back to life scores of stormtroopers.
Meanwhile, his friends assemble the largest repair armada in Galactic History in a bid to completely and utterly repair the Imperial Fleet. Sadly, the most annoying race in Star Wars history (Ewoks) are also given urgent medical attention, and return to Endor to shout Beech-a-fucking-wawa at each other.
Han Solo is frozen right at the end of the film.
The Mighty Ducks
Emilio Estevez reduces a highly trained team of young hockey stars to inept, incompetent and incapable buffoons, eventually leading them to embark on an unceasing losing streak. The utter bastard.
The Incredible Hulk
A man, who's boiling vicious anger can only be placated by firing hundreds of thousands of missiles at him, runs towards armies.
Armageddon
A team of miners use a nuclear device to fuse a pile of debris that was heading away from Earth into a single asteroid. They then return to Earth. No-one knows why they bothered. Forwards or backwards, in actual fact.
Highlander
A lonely man attempts to resurrect his friends by welding their heads back to their bodies with his magic sword.
I'm running out of ideas now.
Titanic
A brave captain takes the heroic, last-ditch decision to repair the largest passenger liner in the world by twatting into a massive iceberg. The boat, carrying passengers returning from America to go back to their old lives, magically sucks the bloated, drowned and frozen corpses of a thousand victims from the icy grip of the North Atlantic and returns them to life.
A handsome young scamp called Jack immediately regrets his decision to engage in carnal affairs with a stuck-up young aristocrat and instantly breaks up with her.
He also spends half an hour erasing a perfectly acceptable pencil portrait of the naked trollope.
Star Wars : Retreat of the Jedi
Darth Vader begins the film by using his magic hands to suck the dead Emperor from the Death Star's reactor. Then, after welding his father's arm back on with his lightsaber, Luke Skywalker makes a heroic retreat, while bringing back to life scores of stormtroopers.
Meanwhile, his friends assemble the largest repair armada in Galactic History in a bid to completely and utterly repair the Imperial Fleet. Sadly, the most annoying race in Star Wars history (Ewoks) are also given urgent medical attention, and return to Endor to shout Beech-a-fucking-wawa at each other.
Han Solo is frozen right at the end of the film.
The Mighty Ducks
Emilio Estevez reduces a highly trained team of young hockey stars to inept, incompetent and incapable buffoons, eventually leading them to embark on an unceasing losing streak. The utter bastard.
The Incredible Hulk
A man, who's boiling vicious anger can only be placated by firing hundreds of thousands of missiles at him, runs towards armies.
Armageddon
A team of miners use a nuclear device to fuse a pile of debris that was heading away from Earth into a single asteroid. They then return to Earth. No-one knows why they bothered. Forwards or backwards, in actual fact.
Highlander
A lonely man attempts to resurrect his friends by welding their heads back to their bodies with his magic sword.
I'm running out of ideas now.
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